Our reaction comes in stages. First we feel something, then we make a decision about it, afterwards we convey it in words, and finally react upon it. But often it happens that although we have felt something and thought about it, but have never conveyed to the other person. What happens when you have deliberated upon a decision in your mind but never spoken about it to the person who is meant to know it? In a few days, you develop a feeling that the other person knows about it. Because its in your mind, you sense its in their knowledge. But how can it be? Did you ever convey it to her/him? If not, how is s/he expected to know of it?
In personal relations as well as in professional life, we occasionally come across such situations. You evaluate that one employee in your company is lacking in efficiency, and you would like him to change the method of working. You have mentally deliberated upon it a few times and have made a decision to speak to the person. In one meeting, you even mention that you would like to make some changes in the working of the company, but never specifically told the particular employee in question that its him who should make the changes, and even more specifically what changes. A few days pass by, you don’t see a result. You get upset that your suggestions are not taken seriously. But how can it happen if you have never conveyed your suggestions to the the person?
In personal life, you have liking for a person, you like to chat with him often. You also look for opportunities to spend time together, whenever possible. But never express your liking in clear words. A few months pass by, you don’t see any inclination from that person about you two. Slowly you start having a feeling that he doesn’t like you. But how can you know whether the person likes you or not, whether he will respond to your proposal positively or not, unless you make the proposal to him. Therefore, if you don’t convey it, you never get it. You have to say specifically, ‘I will request you to please don’t do this.’ ‘Please can you do this?’ or ‘I would like to be your frined.’ or ‘Will you marry me?’ Without saying, no one understands. Even if they understand, they would wait for you to say. So, make sure that you have conveyed what you wanted to.
A friend called me from Airport, asking if there was any way I could help with regard to the stamping of the USA visa to the new passport since the old one was cancelled. I couldn’t help. Disappointed, the family deferred their journey and returned home. Later in the afternoon, she apologised for not greeting me properly as they were under stress. I was not offended since I knew the situation. Greetings were not expected from her at that time. Understandable.
What happens to you when you are under any stress? How do you behave with everyone around you? Do you snap them? Or yell at them? Or create an atmosphere of tension around you? Are people able to offer you advice in this situation? Are you willing to listen to anyone at that moment? The answer to all these questions will be revealing your body language and behaviour when you are in a strained situation. Think again, is it appropriate? How would it paint you in the eyes of those who do not know about your calmer and more peaceful side of behaviour? Is that how you would like them to keep your image in their mind? Such situations are tricky. We forget all the lessons of mannerisms. With forehead wrinkled, eyes widened, breath fastened, and heartbeat increased, we become an individual difficult to deal with. Our logical brain doesn’t work. Nothing wise enters our minds. This creates stress and tension in the atmosphere. We exhume negative energy. It makes others uncomfortable around us. People avoid talking to us in such situations. We all might have gone through such incidents in life and reflected the worse side of our personalities.
How you deal with such stressful situations is an art, not easy to acquire. Meditation and a deep understanding of the world – spirituality is certainly the final source of such wisdom. But for those who do not incline to go that deep, easy steps might be: Don’t say anything. Just keep your mouth shut for the time being. If you have to talk to someone, prefer writing a message. Type a message but don’t send it. Read it again for its politeness of language. Add usual greetings at the beginning and end – since under pressure you must have forgotten to use them. Nothing changes in one minute. Take this one minute to compose yourself and then decide whether you would like to send that message or speak on phone – in the same language you have finalised for your message. If it is a request for help, be extra polite. If it is a complaint, emphasise your grievance but make sure you do not raise your voice. As soon as you raise your voice, everything goes out of your control. Once lost, difficult to gain your calm back during the conversation. It will offend other people and would avail no benefit to you. This delayed communication and pre-decided language will help you tackle the situation in a better way.